And Tell
by helga3
Summary: Various Ron/Pansy shortfic for the LiveJournal 30 kisses community. Mostly silly, rated to be safe. COMPLETE just in time for HBP.
1. Forbidden Passions

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

**A/N:** This is for the 30 kisses community on LiveJournal. In time, there will be thirty kisses here, metaphorical or otherwise. They'll mostly be unconnected, but since all I seem to be capable of writing for HP is humor, you can expect a lot of that, at least.

-

_theme #1 - look over here_

**Forbidden Passions**

_- in which we learn the importance of always remembering to take your pills -_

_-_

"Hey! Ron! Look over here! Ron!"

Startled, Ron and Pansy pulled apart and looked over to where the cheery voice was coming from, only to be instantly blinded by the flash of a camera.

"Colin?"

"Sorry. I just had to get a picture of the two of you! I mean, it's such a romantic story, you know."

Ron and Pansy both blinked, confused. Colin didn't pay them any notice, though and went on.

"Just imagine it! The Forbidden Passion of a Gryffindor and The Slytherin who had to renounce her Evil Ways to be with The One She Loved, and all the Prejudice they had to face together. It's like Romeo and Juliet!"

Ron and Pansy stared.

"Denying thy father and refusing your name! It's just so inspiring! They'll be telling your story in the future, I'm sure they will."

"Colin?" Ron interrupted.

"Yes?"

"Have you remembered to take those pills of yours lately?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot those today."

"Maybe you should go take them now, then?"

"Oh, ok."

With the cheerful smile still on his face and the camera clutched to his chest Colin turned and left.

"Uh, sorry about that." Ron shook his head, looking vaguely embarrassed for his fellow Gryffindor.

Pansy raised her hand and scratched the back of her head thoughtfully. "What was that about?"

"Don't ask me. He gets like that sometimes. You should hear him talk about Harry and his Destiny."

"Romantic? _Forbidden passion? _What the hell? We were just snogging!"

"I know."

"Do you realise there will be pictures of us going around, now?"

"No there won't."

"How do you know?"

"Ginny hexed his camera so it hasn't actually been working for the last couple of weeks. He hasn't noticed yet."

"Oh. Should we go to dinner?"

"Yeah, I guess."

They headed down the hallway toward the Great Hall.

"Hey Pansy?"

"Yes?"

"Did you really have to... umm... _deny your father and refuse your name_, or whatever it was, for dating me?"

"Nah. I mentioned that I've been seeing a lot of you in a letter, but my father didn't comment at all. I think he still thinks I'm 10 years old and pretend all boys are icky. Mum just reminded me to keep in mind that you're dirt poor."

"Figured."

They headed down a case of stairs, silent for a while.

"Ron?"

"Yeah?"

"Who are Robert and Juliet anyway?"


	2. Righting Things

**A/N: **Since I don't know how to get strike tags to work on this site, or if it's even possible at all, Ron has to use parenthesis instead. Just imagine the text is striked out._  
_

_-_

_#2 - news; letter_

**Righting Things**

_- in which we learn the importance of keeping your family updated on you life -_

_- __  
_

_Mum,_

_Thanks for the Howler. It was nice hearing from you. The rest of Hogwarts agree._

_First of all, I'm not cheating on Hermione. You did raise me better than that. Hermione and me broke up. You were there, remember? Last summer? We sulked and refused to talk to each other for weeks and you thought we were being childish about it? In other words, we are not dating any more and haven't been for a long time. In fact, Hermione is sitting next to me right now and agreeing with what I'm writing very vehemently._

_Second, the "hussy" is called Pansy. She's in my year, and she's a prefect, too._

_Anyway, sorry this is so short, but I have to (find whoever got Colin's camera working again, and whoever had the bright idea of sending you that picture) do some homework. Harry, Hermione and Neville all say hi. Ginny says to tell you she's definitely not cheating on anyone._

_Love,  
Ron_

_PS. Hi Mum, it's Ginny! I just thought I'd add that it's really true I'm not cheating on anyone. And if you ever get the picture (no pun intended!) that I'm doing so, it's probably a trick. Blame Colin Creevey, or Fred and George._

_Love,  
Ginny_


	3. Things That Go Bump In The Night

**A/N: **I did mention these are (mostly) unconnected, right? Also, many thanks to those of you who have reviewed, it makes my day!

-

_#3 - jolt!_

**Things That Go Bump In The Night**

_- in which we learn how to deal with uninvited guests -_

_- _

It must have been sometime around one o'clock in the morning that Pansy Parkinson jolted awake, certain that she had just heard a noise.

After a moment of feeling vaguely embarrassed about what a horribly clichéd girlfriend she was being, she nudged the man sleeping next to her.

"Ron! Hey, Ron, wake up!"

Ron mumbled something that with a lot of good will might have been considered a yes, turned and blinked owlishly at her.

"I heard a noise."

"'S probably just the ghoul in the attic," Ron mumbled, closing his eyes and drawing the covers over his face.

"We don't have a ghoul, we're not at your parents'," Pansy retorted, getting a bit annoyed.

The only answer she got was a jumbled "mmm".

She was just about to pull the covers off of him to get him awake when she was interrupted by a loud crash from the other room, followed by a string of some very colourful expletives.

This time, Ron heard it as well. Frowning, he got out of bed and grabbed his wand from the night stand. Pansy followed his example, and they opened the door.

On the floor of their small living room was the Boy Who Lived (Twice), his feet very complicatedly tangled in an invisibility cloak and a chair, and a murderous look on his face.

"Harry?"

Harry's face lit up as he saw them. "Ron! You have to hide me! I'm not here, ok?"

He somehow managed to free himself from the chair and the cloak and put the thing back on, disappearing from their sight.

Pansy blinked. "What's going on? How did you get in? What are you doing here?"

"I was in the neighbourhood, and then _they_ spotted me, and I had to hide somewhere, and you have to hide me!"

"_They?_ Who are _they_? Is You Know Who Back?"

They didn't get an answer, though, as they were interrupted by a knock on the door.

They could hear a faint 'meep' from approximately where Harry was supposed to be, and felt something sweep past them.

Ron looked at Pansy.

"I suppose You Know Who wouldn't bother to knock, now, would he?"

They went to open the door, wands still out.

It wasn't an Evil Overlord or a Death Eater, but the figure still struck terror into their hearts.

It was Rita Skeeter, a photographer in tow. She swept into the room without a word, looking around.

Harry?" she called. "Where are you?"

"Umm... Harry's not here," Ron told her.

Rita glared at him. "Sure he is. He was just around here, and you're his friend. Where else would he have disappeared to?"

Ron shrugged. "Who knows, Harry is good at disappearing."

Rita gave him another haughty glare, and then critically scanned the room in front of her.

"Then why is that chair knocked over? And what were all those noises we heard from here?" she demanded.

"Uh... Well, that was us," Ron explained. He turned to his girlfriend. "Right, Pansy?"

Pansy looked up, startled. "Oh. Yes. That was us. We're very... noisy," she said, blushing a bit.

She stepped closer to Ron, laughing nervously.

Rita's eyes narrowed. "Right..."

"Yes. Like this," Ron continued, pulling Pansy into a passionate kiss.

Rita watched their kiss, her eyes still narrowed, for a while, and then went further into the apartment, opening all the doors and checking under beds and tables. Finding nothing, she finally had to admit defeat and returned to the door, where Ron and Pansy were still kissing. She glared at them, but finally swept out the door without another word. The photographer, who had been waiting by the door, gave a small cough, and they finally pulled apart, looking at him instead. He gave them an embarrassed shrug, and then turned to follow Rita.

Pansy shook her head, and a very upset looking Harry Potter emerged from their bedroom.

"Thanks," he said.

"You should ask Granger to kidnap her again," Pansy told him.

"I already did." Harry sighed. "But she refuses. Not after all those mutual trials for blackmailing and kidnapping and withholding information and being an unregistered animagus that they both went through after the last time." He shook his head a little.

"What happened there? Why did you come here? And how did you get in anyway?" she continued.

"_Alohomorra. _Sorry. You were the closest I could think of. I really am sorry."

Ron furrowed his brow. "Why didn't you just apparate away somewhere?"

Harry frowned. Then he drew a breath. And then his shoulders sagged. "Oh," he muttered meekly.

Pansy chuckled.

"I... think I'll just... do that now instead. Umm. Yeah. Night!"

With that, he disappeared with the usual _crack_.

Pansy shook her head again and turned to Ron, raising an eyebrow. "The things I put up with for your friends..."

Ron grinned at her. "You know you'd be bored stiff without us."

She rolled her eyes, but then grinned and pulled him closer. "Now... Where were we?"


	4. So Far Away

_-_

_#4 - our distance and that person_

**So Far Away**

_- in which we learn how to survive in exile -_

_-_

_My Dearest Ronald,_

_My love, I miss you so much. All the time, I think of you. Every minute, every second of the day is like a year, filled with the most excruciating pain and torture of being apart from you. How I wish I could be with you, my darling, holding you close._

_All my love, hugs, and kisses,  
Pansy_

_-_

_Pansy,_

_Are you drunk?_

_Ron_

_-_

_Ron,_

_Not drunk. So bored, though, that I've actually taken up reading Mum's romance novels. _

_It's been raining the whole time we've been here so far. The people would probably be nice if I had any idea what they were saying. You'd think they'd learn English. We aren't getting any real news of what's going on over there. Mum and Dad have confiscated the Floo powder so that we won't escape back to civilisation._

_I'm really bored._

_Pansy_

_-_

_Pansy,_

_You're not the only one that's bored. At least you're not put to do all the really boring jobs that no one else wants to do all the time. They won't let us go outside at all unless there's a whole bunch of us going at the same time. I've been holed up here pretty much all summer so far, I haven't even been home for ages._

_And we're not getting any real news either._

_Ron_

_-_

_Ron,_

_You're not at the Burrow? Should I send the letters somewhere else?_

_Tried playing this Muggle game (yeah, a Muggle game. That's how bored I am.) called Trivial Pursuit with my sister yesterday, but she keeps winning and I can't figure out how the brat is cheating, so I went back to the romance novels today._

_We had a lightning storm last night. Made a change from all the rain, I guess._

_Pansy_

_-_

_Pansy,_

_Just send them to the Burrow. Can't tell you where I am, and they'll reach me from there anyway._

_When are you getting back? It's kind of boring here without you._

_Ron_

_-_

_Ron,_

_Don't know when I'll be back. When my parents think it's safe. Which probably means it won't be until he (you know of whom I speak...) is gone. So tell your bestest friend to get on with it, would you?_

_I miss you too._

_Love,  
Pansy_


	5. Foreign

-

_#5 - "ano sa" ("hey, you know...")_

**Foreign**

_- in which we learn that sometimes, ignorance really _is _bliss -_

_-_

That day, Pansy, to her great surprise, found Ron in the library. He was sitting by a table, staring rather dejectedly at a book that was lying unopened in front of him on the table.

"_What_ are you doing?" she asked, sinking into the chair next to him.

He looked up at her. "Well..." he began. "I was talking to Hermione the other day. And somehow, we got to talking about languages, and it turns out she's not only fluent in French, but Bulgarian too."

"Bulgarian?"

"Apparently, Victor Krum taught her a few words when he was here, and she thought it sounded interesting, so she kept studying it after he left."

"Should have guessed."

"Yeah, well, anyway, I decided I want to learn another language too."

"_You? _Why do I get the feeling that's a bad idea?"

"I already figured out it's a bad idea."

"Oh. So what language did you chose anyway?"

He gestured towards the book, and Pansy leaned over to look at it_. "Learning Japanese Made Easy," _she read out loud.

"It's written by this teenage girl, so it's supposed to appeal to people our age and 'make learning the language fun and easy'," Ron said sadly.

"And you still can't learn it? Aw, poor Ronnie." Pansy sniggered.

"Well... In this case... Oh, you'd better just see for yourself," Ron decided, and reached out to open the book.

"_Ohayooo!" _it declared in a high, shrill, girly voice as soon as it was opened, making Pansy jump in her seat. She'd heard of books that wrote back to you but books that actually spoke to you were new to her.

"It talks?"

"Yes." Ron sighed again.

"Ron-chan, who's that with you? Is that your girlfriend?" the book asked curiously.

Pansy stared at it. "Umm. I'm Pansy," she told it, feeling vaguely silly about talking to a book.

"Ron-chan and Pansy-chan! Ooooh! That's sooo _kawaaaiii!" _it declared perkily. "You want to learn Japanese too? Sugoi!"

"Oh. Ok. Why not? Try teaching me something."

"Demo, what do you think I'm doing, silly?" the book asked. "Just speak like me and you'll be fine!"

"But I don't understand what you were saying."

"What about just now when I said you and Ron-chan are so kawaii!"

"What does that mean?"

"Ano sa, aaano saaa, it means exactly what it says, of course," the book said, sounding a bit confused.

"But I don't know what exactly that is! I don't know Japanese. How can I use it if I don't understand it?"

"Demo... I told you, just do like me," the book answered, now sounding slightly annoyed.

Pansy looked at Ron who was rolling his eyes and shaking his head.

"You really are useless, aren't you?" she asked the book.

"I doesn't get better," Ron muttered. "I'v been trying to get it to say something that makes sense for ages, but I haven't learned one useful thing yet."

"Kisama!" the book huffed. "You are so _mean_! You know what? You two can just kiss my..."

Whatever it was going to say was interrupted as the book was slammed shut. Ron and Pansy looked up to see Madam Pince standing on the other side of the table, a stern look on her face.

"Where did you get this?"

Ron pointed to some shelves to his left. "Language section," he said.

Madam Pince looked over to where he was pointing, her expression softening, and she shook her head a little. "It got back there again?" she said, as if speaking to herself. Sighing, she turned back to Ron and Pansy.

"This book actually belongs in the restricted section, but for some reason, we often find it has wandered back out here. It is a very dangerous book. Too much contact with it can cause your eyes to bleed," she explained seriously. "So if you ever come across it out here again, report it directly to me, would you?"

They both nodded. "How does it get out of there?" Pansy asked, a bit curious as to whether it could walk as well as talk.

Madam Pince frowned. "Peeves, we suspect. But we haven't been able to prove anything yet."

With that, she took the book and headed for the restricted section.

Pansy looked at Ron. He shrugged.

"Maybe it's best if I just wait for the rest of the world learn English," he said.


	6. Free Fall

_- _

_#6 - the space between dream and reality_

**Free Fall**

_- in which we learn some new songs -_

-

She dances in circles around him, twirling around, her arms held out, and he wonders vaguely if she isn't getting dizzy at all.

_Weasley is our King,_

she sings,

_Weasley is our King,  
Weasley understands nothing,  
Does not know why people sing:  
Weasley is our King._

Taking his hands into hers, she leads him away, out of the clearing they're in, in among the trees. She walks backwards, all the time looking him in the eyes and holding his hands as they walk. Ron looks down and notices their footsteps make the oddest pattern in the snow.

_Weasley is our King,_

she sings, a devious smile on her face.

_Weasley cannot save a thing,  
Weasley will make sure who wins,  
And that's why You-Know-Who will sing:  
Weasley is our King._

She lets go of his hands as they come to a halt. They are out of the forest, and the snow is gone. They are standing on the edge of a cliff, so high that when he looks down, Ron can't even see the ground.

He turns to Pansy, and she smiles as she gives him a light push, and he stumbles and loses his balance, falling over the edge of the cliff. She blows him a kiss as she watches him fall.

_Weasley is our King,_

he hears her singing.

She hasn't got a very good singing voice.

He closes his eyes, taking in deep breaths of the air as he falls. He wonders if there is a ground, or if he'll spend the rest of eternity in this strange dreamlike fall.

He wonders if he would mind, and comes to no conclusion, and all the time he is rushing downward through the air.

And then, he hits the floor with a thud, and his eyes fly open.

There are muffled sounds in the darkness around him, and suddenly, a weight settling on his chest.

"Get away from me! I'll kill you! Haven't I suffered enough? You took away my parents! My Godfater! I hate you, Voldemort! I'll kill you!"

Ron winces, at the weight or the name, or both. He blinks up at the darkness, trying to make out the shapes, though he recognises the voice. "Harry?"

As his eyes get more and more used to the darkness, Ron can see Harry looking down on him, his foot on Ron's chest and his wand pointing at Ron's forehead.

"Oh, it's you." Harry sounds a bit sulky.

"Who else?" He frowns. "Harry? You're kind of heavy?"

"Oh. Right."

He removes his foot, and puts the wand back down on his night stand. Then, he slowly turns back to Ron, an amused smile suddenly spreading across his face. "Did you just _fall out of bed_?"

Ron scowls, coming to the same realisation himself. "Seems so." He glares at Harry, who is now actually outright giggling at him. "Shut up."

Harry throws him an amused look between giggles and goes back to his back to his bed.

"Night, Ron. Go to sleep."

Ron sits up, rubbing the back of his head, which is a little sore from hitting the floor. Looking towards his own bed, he can see Neville sitting up in the bed next to it on the other side, staring at him and looking rather dazed.

"What?" he asks, rather testily.

"Where did the yellow fish go?" Neville asks him, his eyes wide.

Then, before Ron can answer, he crawls back down under his covers and seems to be asleep again the next minute.

Ron stares for a while, bewildered, and then lets himself sink back to the floor.

Would it be too much to ask to live in a dormitory where everyone had wet dreams like normal teenage boys?

-


	7. Fateful Rendezvous

-

_#7 – superstar_

**Fateful Rendez-vous**

_- in which we learn that taking romantic advice from Millicent Bullstrode is not always a good idea -_

_-_

Our story takes place on an ordinary night, a perfectly ordinary Thursday night at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Had you been walking around the castle just before midnight on this particular night, you might have noticed two figures sneaking around as quietly as possible, stopping now and then to check they weren't being followed or that there was no one around before finally entering a dark Astronomy Tower. 

Hogwarts Castle was a place where it was practically impossible to get any time to yourself, especially if what you wanted to do with this time was meet your boy- or girlfriend for some undisturbed snogging. The rest of the students, the teachers, the ghosts and the portraits, a multitude of house-elfs and of course the student-hating caretaker and the inimitable Peeves saw to this. Any meeting with your object of affection would have to be carefully planned to avoid these obstacles.

The two figures mentioned earlier, Ron Weasley and Pansy Parkinson, had decided on attempting such a meeting tonight. Millicent Bullstrode had informed Pansy that the Astronomy Tower was the perfect place for a secret _rendez-vous_ of this kind, and despite being rather disturbed by the thought of how Millicent Bullstrode would know anything about that, Ron had agreed.

After the initial whispers of _"Ron?", "Pansy?", "is that you?", "who else would it be, you idiot?",_ which got the greetings out of the way, our heroes got around to the important part of the meeting – snogging. A task they undertook with much enthusiasm.

So much enthusiasm, in fact, that they rather forgot to pay attention to anything else and were rather surprised on one of the occasions when they pulled apart for some air to find that the light was now on in the corridor they were standing in. Even more surprising were the applause that broke out.

A group of third-year Hufflepuffs had just walked out of the Astronomy classroom, and had all stopped in the hallway to look at the two of them. Some of them were sporting worryingly manic grins that said as plain as anything, _"just wait until we tell the rest of the school about this"_. Other, more shy ones, were blushing rather profusely.

Ron and Pansy would probably have blushed just as profusely had they not felt all their blood drain away from their faces by the terrifying sight next to the students. The look on professor Sinistra's face was enough to make the bravest Gryffindor quiver.

"Children. Get back to your dormitories _right now,_" she hissed, her eyes never leaving Ron and Pansy.

The young witches and wizards filed away, some of them still blushing, others giggling silently and one of the boys giving a thumbs up and actually winking at Ron as he left.

Once the students had all left, professor Sinistra slowly approached Ron and Pansy, her eyes looking like they could freeze blood. Ron and Pansy both gulped. Pansy frantically tried to straighten out her uniform. Ron shuffled his feet and nervously ran his fingers through his hair.

In the end, they got away with a very long lecture and two weeks of detention.

"And there's probably no way they'd let us serve those together, either," Ron commented glumly as they left in different directions.


	8. And Isn't It Ironic?

**A/N: **A non-humor interlude. Oh, look, is that the apocalypse?

-

_#8 - our own world_

**And Isn't It Ironic?**

_- in which we learn a thing or two about endings -_

_-_

The spell was discovered sometime during the war. Afterwards, no one could say exactly where it was found, or by whom. All its origins were lost to the world. There were rumours, of course - there always are - but no one could say anything for certain.

But by then, the world had turned into a place where it was very difficult to find anything at all you could be certain about.

-

Ronald Weasley grew up in the wizarding world. This was always completely natural to him; it wasn't anything he ever even bothered to think about. It was just how things were, kind of like how the grass was green and the sun rose in the east every morning.

Neither his father's obsession nor his two best friends origins ever really got him to think much about the Muggle world, either. Ron was the kind of person who preferred the here and now to anything else, and the here and now was the wizarding world, and the distant and abstract Muggle world didn't really have anything to do with it.

-

It was some time after the defeat of Voldemort that the Ministry of Magic took up the discovered spell for discussion and decided that it should be used. The enormous destruction that the latest war had caused and the chaos the wizarding world was in at the moment served as a reminder, and if there really was a spell that could stop so much dark magic to condense in one witch or wizard again, what reason could there possibly be not to use it?

-

Pansy Parkinson was brought up to be a witch and to be very proud of the fact. She was always very aware of the Muggle world. She didn't like it or know much about it, but a small part of her mind always reminded her of the fact that it existed and that she was not part of it.

Pansy Parkinson grew up secure in the knowledge that she was special.

-

The spell was enormously complicated. It took years for a team of expert witches and wizards from all over the world to research it, and then even more years to prepare it and to finally cast it.

-

Pansy Parkinson always knew she was special.

Ron Weasley never really thought there was anything especially outstanding or extraordinary about him.

-

Of course, there are no spells that can stop dark magic. Magic is neither dark nor light, and what it is used for is nothing but an individual choice.

The spell did still serve its purpose, though.

If all the magic of the world is sucked away and gone, there won't be a chance for a new Dark Lord to rise, will there?

-

Surprisingly enough, it was much easier for Ron to adjust to a world without magic than it was for Harry or Hermione. It took some time for him to learn how to use microwaves and telephones, computers and Muggle money, but once that was over with he got along quite well.

Harry and Hermione were already used to the practical aspects of Muggle life, but other than that, it was less easy for them. They spent a lot of time researching, trying to find some way to bring back the magic. They met up with other former witches and wizards frequently to dream and remember.

When Ron met people who he had known in his other world on the street or in a store, he greeted them politely and exchanged a few words, in the same way you would greet any old friend if you met them.

-

There were attempts to make official investigations of how it was possible for magic to just disappear, but since there were neither officials to to make the investigations nor magic to make them with, it was a hopeless task.

-

Ron Weasley met Pansy Parkinson again for the first time since their time together at Hogwarts on King's Cross station.

He was on his way home one day when he noticed the commotion. A bunch of people gathered around something. Making his way to see what exactly that was, he found that what had captured the attention of the people was a young woman, who was banging her fists on the barrier in front of her, oblivious to the people around her._ Let me in, _she was repeatedly telling the barrier, Ron realised as he got closer. _Let me in, I belong there._

And then he realised that he knew her, and that he was standing by the barrier between platforms nine and ten.

-

The Ministry of Magic had been very reliant on magic for everything they did. The attempts to reform it as a representative for former witches and wizards were all unsuccessful, the people it was supposed to represent too scattered and unable to find each other now.

So they had to accept what half-hearted help they got from the Muggle authorities, and none of them were too keen on helping them form any authorities of their own. To them, all they were now were just regular Muggles like everyone else.

-

It wasn't until many years later that Ron and Pansy went to look at the place where Hogwarts castle had once stood. All that was left now were some ruins, covered in grass. Hogwarts, too, had been built with so much magic that without it, it fell and became visible to anyone.

"I wonder what happened to the house-elves," Pansy asked in a high-pitched voice after a long silence. And then, she burst into tears.

-

A long work entitled _The Rise and the Fall of the Wizarding World _that spread among former witches and wizards in later times proclaimed that it was pride, not a wish for peace, that caused the fall. The belief that the future could be formed by a spell alone and that choices could be made for others by magic, the author argued, was what was behind it.

In later times, the work would be considered one of the great works of fiction of the early 21st century.

-

"We can have our own world right here," Ron told Pansy the first time he kissed her.


	9. Running Man

**Disclaimer: **In addition to not owning _Harry Potter, _I also do not own _Lola Rennt. _Or, as I believe it's called in English, _Run Lola Run._

**A/N: **If you're looking for something that makes sense, this is not for you. This piece of fiction does not know the meaning of the word sense. In fact, it would not recognise sense if, in the words of Ron, it danced naked in front of it wearing Dobby's tea-cozy.

-

_#9 - dash_

**Running Man**

_- in which we make a crossover into the surreal -_

_-_

Ron was just about to leave the dormitory for his first lesson of the day when the owl appeared at the window. Frowning, he went to let it in, annoyed since he was supposed to be at the other side of the castle in two minutes and this would delay him even further.

He took the note the owl was carrying, and it flapped it wings a little before flying back out.

The note was from Pansy.

_Ron,_

_I think you must have taken my Ancient Runes essay from the library yesterday, you stupid prat. Why weren't you at breakfast? I was going to get it from you there. I need it for class now. I'll be waiting for you by the Ancient Runes classroom, run and bring it to me!_

_Pansy_

Ron stared at the note for a while, and then shrugged. The universe seemed to be conspiring to make him late for DADA today anyway, what with his managing to oversleep and miss breakfast and all, so he might as well bring her the essay and not go to class at all anyway. Rummaging through his bag and the books and parchments he had been using during their study date in the library yesterday, he found the essay in question and headed off to meet her.

Her class was starting in a few minutes, so Ron decided it would probably be best to be there as soon as possible, and broke into a light run.

Unfortunately, this meant that while hurrying down a case of stairs, he did not notice Mrs Norris on one of the steps, and managed to trip over her, falling down the rest of the stairs. He kept his eyes closed as he finally reached the end of the staircase and landed very ungracefully on his back on th floor.

Taking a deep breath, he concentrated on his limbs, trying to find out whether he was hurt anywhere.

No, scratch that, Ron decided after a few seconds of that. It would be a better idea to try figuring out if there was any part of his body that _wasn't _hurting instead.

He slowly opened his eyes and lifted his head a little. The world seemed a bit blurry, but he could make out someone leaning over him. He blinked, and the figure became more clear.

And also made him almost wish that it hadn't. It was Filch, who was staring at him with a very ominous look in his eyes.

"You!" The caretaker practically hissed at him. "You tried to kill my cat! Just you wait until I'm through with you! You'll have detentions for the rest of your time here, and then you'll have to come back for them even after that!"

Ron groaned and let his head fall back to the ground.

Everything went black.

-

He was standing by the window in his dormitory, a note in his hand.

_Ron,_

_I think you must have taken my Ancient Runes essay from the library yesterday, you stupid prat,_

it began.

Ron stared down at the note.

"What the..." he began, not understanding what was going on here. Hadn't he just been through this? Did he hit his head harder than he had thought and lost some of his memory or something?

He turned back from the window, frowning at the note, but then gave a yelp and dropped it as he noticed he was not alone in the room.

A woman with flaming red hair and an odd smile on her face was standing by his bed, holding out a parchment that looked very much like the one he was sure he had tried to deliver to Pansy a moment ago.

"If you run, you can still make it," she said, her voice thick with an unfamiliar accent.

"What? I mean, who? _What?"_

She shook her head at him. "You got your time back. Now run," she told him.

"My... time back? What?" He turned to look at the clock beside his bed, and saw that it was still two minutes before his class started.

"No time to explain, if you want to make it in time. Now go. Run."

Too dazed to think of anything else to do, Ron took the parchment from her outstretched hands and ran out of the dormitory and the Gryffindor tower.

This time, he looked carefully in front of him as he ran down the stairs, and so managed to avoid Mrs Norris, who was still in the exact same spot. He grinned apologetically at Filch as he passed him at the bottom of the stairs, and the caretaker glared suspiciously after him as he dashed away.

He'd got his time back, the woman had said. Mrs Norris had been in the exact same place. The clock by his bed had shown the same time as before.

Huh.

His musings were interrupted by a voice just beside him.

"Oooh, what's this?"

The parchment was snatched out of his hand, and Ron looked up to see Peeves floating upward with the parchment in hand, pausing just under the ceiling to look at it.

"Hey! Give that back!"

Ron felt his confusion melt away, making way for anger instead.

Peeves grinned maliciously. "Here, let me think about it. Umm... No!"

Ron drew his wand and pointed it at the poltergeist. "Give it back now!"

"Oh, very well then," Peeves sighed, and floated down towards him. He stopped just in front of Ron and held out the parchment. And then, before Ron could do anything, ripped it into little pieces that he threw around the hallway.

"Not!" Peeves declared gleefully, and floated off, cackling madly.

Ron groaned, and hit his forehead against the wall.

The world went black.

-

He was standing by the window in his dormitory, a note in his hand.

_Ron,_

_I think you must have taken my Ancient Runes essay from the library yesterday..."_

He turned, and there was the woman again, he same piece of parchment in her hands. The time was two minutes before his class.

"Look, what's going on?" This time, he was almost prepared.

"Run," she said, handing him the parchment.

"Is this for real? Seriously. Is this really happening?"

She smiled. "If you don't run, you won't make it in time."

So Ron sighed, and took off again.

Run, stairs, avoid Mrs Norris, Filch, run, stop for long enough to let Peeves pass, run.

He wasn't far from the classroom now, and was just thinking that maybe, just maybe, he'd actually make it this time, when he managed to run into something again, and fell backwards with the something falling onto him.

Or, as it turned out when he opened his eyes again, someone. Apparently, he'd ran into Susan Bones.

They were lying there face to face, both staring at each other looking rather shocked.

"Err... Hi, Ron," she finally managed.

"Hi."

""I think I ran into you."

"Seems that way."

"It does, doesn't it? Sorry about that."

"It was probably my fault. I wasn't looking where I was going."

"Me neither."

"You'd think I would have learned by now."

"Right. Err. You would? Why is that?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

They were interrupted by a cough, and turned from where they were still lying to see Pansy looking down at them.

"So sorry to interrupt," she said icily. "I came to get my essay, but I see you're too preoccupied to worry about that. I'll just go to class without it then. Sorry to bother you and..." she snorted, "the _Hufflepuff."_

She turned and walked away swiftly.

Ron and Susan disentangled themselves and sat up.

"That's..."

"Yeah." Ron sighed.

"Should I go explain..."

"Nah, I'll do it later. Are you okay?"

"I think so. You?"

"I guess."

"Well... See you, then."

Ron nodded and she left. He then closed his eyes and hit his head against the wall again.

He was vaguely wondering whether he'd have a bruise there before this day was over when the world went black again.

-

He was standing by the window in his dormitory, a note in his hand.

This time, he didn't even bother to read it.

Turning, the woman was there again, the now-familiar parchment held out to him.

"Run," she yold him.

Ron made to take the parchment from her, but then paused.

"You know what? I don't think I will," he decided, and turned around and leaned out the window.

"Hey! Owl!" he yelled. "Come back here, would you?"

The owl had not gone too far, and turned to fly up and down a little, looking for all the world like it was giving him an appraising look.

"Please?" Ron added.

The owl seemed to hesitate for a while, and then returned.

Ron grabbed a quill and a piece of parchment and scribbled down a few words, then tied both the letter and the essay to the owl's leg.

"Bring those to Pansy, ok?"

The owl hooted, and flew off.

Ron turned to the woman.

"See? Much better than running," he told her.

-

_Pansy,_

_Here's your essay. Sending it by owl, since the universe doesn't like it when I run. It had better be really good and really important for all the trouble it's caused me!_

_Ron_

Pansy re-read the letter a couple of times, then shook her head and decided that her boyfriend was a Gryffindor and a Weasley, and thus by nature completely mad, and there was nothing you could do about it, so she'd better just accept it.

And it was not like she was complaining later in the day when he loudly cheered _finally!_ and then pulled her into an enthusiastic kiss when she told him she'd recieved his delivery just in time, thankyouverymuch.


	10. Lists, the Universe and Everything

**A/N:** This contains a reference to a mysterious incident that I've also mention before, in a story that goes by the name _Girls Don't Do That!_, as well as one to my take on theme #7.

-

_#10 - #10_

**Lists, the Universe and Everything**

_- in which we learn that the author has a (not so) secret soft spot for meta-fiction which might perhaps shine through just a little here -_

_- _

Millicent Bullstrode and Theodore Nott looked up from their respective books as Pansy Parkinson sat down next to them on the sofa. They watched as she leaned back, closing her eyes and looking generally exhausted. She sat like that for a few minutes before sighing, opening her eyes and leaning over to pick up the backpack she had dropped on the floor next to the sofa as she sat down. Picking out a notebook and a quill, Pansy leaned back again, and holding out the notebook in front of her face scratched down a few lines into it.

Millicent gave her friend a sympathetic look. "Still no luck, I see," she stated.

"No," Pansy answered shortly, lowering the notebook.

Millicent took the opportunity to snatch it from her, opened it and skimmed to the latest entry.

_"Kiss #10 - interrupted by rampaging house-elves,"_ she read out loud, then frowned and stared at the text. "Rampaging house-elves?" she repeated incredulously.

"They were running away from Granger. She was running after them and waving some knitted bags or something and yelling something about _tickets to freedom_." Pansy shrugged.

"Really? Sounds like Granger's finally snapped. You know what they say about the line between genius and insanity, don't you?" Theo grinned at the thought.

Pansy snorted. "She's been on the side of insanity all the time, if you ask me."

Millicent and Theo rolled their eyes, and she glared at them.

"What's that got to do with you and Weasley kissing, anyway?" Millicent asked, steering the conversation away from Pansy's nemesis who also happened to be her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend and still one of his best friends.

"We were in the way. Those little buggers are _vicious! _We had to separate so we wouldn't be killed in the stampede."

Theo gave a chuckle. "Sounds fun." He shook his head a little, and then frowned, a thought suddenly occuring to him. "Pansy, _why _are you writing down your kisses?" he asked, nodding towards the notebook.

This time it was Millicent's time to give a chuckle. "It's her Great List o'Doom," she declared, sounding quite amused. Pansy didn't look like she saw anything remotely funny about it.

"Apparently," Millicent continued, "every time Pansy and Weasley are snogging, they get interrupted or otherwise put in some really embarrassing situation. She's writing it all down to prove that the universe has it in for her."

Theo gave little laugh.

"Well it does!" Pansy declared indignantly.

Theo only laughed some more, and took the notebook from Millicent.

_Kiss #1 - interrupted by v. annoying, overly nosy housemate,"_ he read. "How long have you been writing this? You couldn't have known right away all your snogging would turn out like that."

"Since our fourth kiss, actually," Pansy said. "I just wrote in the first three at the same time then."

Theo shook his head and was about to return his attention to the notebook when he suddenly remembered something. _"Very annoying, overly nosy housemate,"_ he quoted. "Wait a minute... Wasn't that me?" He glared at Pansy, who just gave an indifferent shrug.

He gave her another glare before turning back to the text, skimming down to kiss number four. _"Prefects' bathroom. Ice cream. Too. Much. Soap. (Note to self: find out how to remove footprint from ceiling.)"_ He raised his eyebrows incredulously at this one.

"Don't. Ask," Pansy told him fiercely, and Theo decided that sometimes, it was probably best not to know.

_"Kiss #7 - interrupted by Professor Sinistra. Also, whole class of Hufflepuffs. (Note to self: kill Millicent),"_ he continued instead. Eyebrows shooting up again, he turned to Millicent. "What did you have to do with that incident?"

"Well," Millicent began, sneaking a look at Pansy and obviously trying to sound regretful while she was anything but. "I might, perhaps, have suggested that the Astronomy Tower was a good place for snogging at night..."

"But they have classes there..."

Millicent gave a tragic sigh. "Completely slipped my mind," she said angelically.

Theo turned to Pansy. "I can't believe you fell for that."

Pansy just glared.

"None of these incidents seem to have discouraged you enough to stop snogging Weasley, though."

A gleam appeared in Pansy's eyes and she stood up, raising her gaze upward. "I'm not giving up," she declared fiercely. "One of these days, I'm going to snog Ron Weasley without being interrupted or having anything else disturb us! Do you hear me universe?" she albeit shouted, holding up her fist as if in a challenge to the universe she was speaking to.

Theo privately thought the fanatic gleam in her eyes was rather scary.

Lowering her gaze, Pansy seemed to notice a large part of the people in the Slytherin common room had turned to stare at her. "What?" she snapped, and everyone turned back to their business.

"They're probably just amazed that you're completely missing the point," a voice behind them drawled. The three of them turned to see Draco Malfoy standing behind their sofa, arms crossed over his chest. "The universe is just trying to inform you of your absolutely horrible taste in boyfriends."

Pansy glared at Draco, and then, snatching the notebook back from Theo, she stomped back to the girls' dormitory.

Draco smirked, rolled his eyes, and turned to leave as well.

Theo turned to Millicent, who shrugged.

"Well, at least she has a goal in life," she said.


	11. When Gardenias Attack

**A/N: **House points to whoever gets the reference in the title.

-

_#11 - gardenia_

**Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Gardenias!**

_- in which we learn that it really _is _a jungle out there_

_-_

Ron and Pansy stared at the plant.

The plant refused to do anything but sit there.

Pansy leaned closer and poked it with her index finger.

Still, the plant just sat there.

She turned back to Ron.

"Well, Weasley, what are we supposed to do?"

Ron pulled out the parchment with the instructions for the project from his pocket.

"The instructions are still the same," he said, shrugging. "We're just supposed to, well, observe. _'New magical species of gardenia, reactions unknown, blah, blah, blah.'"_

"But it's not doing anything. We've been doing this for a week, and nothing's happened. It hasn't grown or changed or anything. This has to be the most boring project ever. Being forced to observe a gardenia with a Weasley. My life sucks."

"Yeah, just imagine the wonderful conversations you could be having with Goyle in the Slytherin dungeons just about now." Ron snorted. "Anyway, Professor Sprout did say we could try some of that growth enhancer stuff if we liked today in class. As long as we _observe_."

Pansy grimaced. "Well, at this point, I think pretty much anything is worth a shot. I think I might die from boredom otherwise."

She went to get a bag and poured the stuff on the plant. And of course, nothing happened. Pansy sighed and turned away from the plant. "Think we're done observing for today," she began, but trailed off as she saw the surprised look spreading across her rather unwilling project partner's face as he looked at something behind her.

Turning back, she saw that the plant had started to grow. Alarmingly fast. And were those tentacles? And were some of them ripping apart the other plants in the greenhouse? No, not ripping apart, she quickly realised. It looked more like it was _devouring _them.

Oh.

Not good.

Before either of them could react properly, one of the tentacle-like things made a grab at Pansy's foot. She gave yelp and jumped backwards, only to have her other foot grabbed by another tentacle.

Ron, jumping out of the way of another tentacle, pulled out his wand and pointed it at the thing that had grabbed Pansy and was apparently attempting to strangle her.

_"Impedimenta! Petrificus Totalus!"_

The plant didn't react at all, but Pansy, who had been struggling furiously, froze.

"Oh, sorry," Ron yelled, jumping out of the way of yet another tentacle-thing that was lashing out at him.

_"Finite Incantatem!" _he yelled, and Pansy started struggling again. The gardenia had wrapped itself around her arms, so she wasn't able to reach her wand. So she settled with biting the thing instead.

_"Expelliarmus! Protego!" _Ron was going through most the spells he had learned in DADA as well as the DA, none of which were apparently working, all while jumping out of the way of ever growing shots from the plant and cursing the fact that all they had ever learned had to do with fighting You Know Who and Death Eaters and other unnamed creatures of the night. Which was all good in theory, but no one ever bothered to tell them anything they'd have any practical use for, like what to do when your local greenhouses turned into a jungle consisting of one single gardenia gone mental.

And now it was lifting Pansy up in the air. She screamed angrily at it, and bit it harder.

_"Have you gone mad? Are you a witch or not?"_ His own voice echoed through his head. Well, he wasn't technically a witch, but his younger self had a point.

He pointed his wand to where he assumed the roots should be - it was difficult to tell for sure now, the room was too overgrown. _"Incendio!"_

The plant took on fire, and seemed to pause for a moment. Then the tentacles started to withdraw, it let Pansy go and she, according to all the laws of gravity, coincidence and irony of the world combined, obviously fell on to Ron, who, according to the same laws, toppled over backward onto his back.

They stared at each other.

"Took you long enough to figure that out," Pansy finally said. "And great job stunning me and almost setting me on fire there, too."

"Hey, I just saved you from a rampaging gardenia! I think I deserve some thanks!" Ron answered, angrily.

Pansy stared at him for a long time. Ron suddenly realised they were still laying on the floor, and that they were awfully close somehow, her breasts were pressed to his chest, his arm around her. He suddenly found himself staring at her mouth. If she leaned any closer...

He swallowed, and realised she was looking rather confused, too. Blinking, she pulled away from him and sat up.

"How did you know fire would work, anyway?" she asked, sounding a bit awkward.

"Didn't. It works on Devil's Snare. Lucky guess." He shrugged, desperately trying to think of something else to say. "Maybe we should go report this to Professor Sprout or someone?"

Pansy nodded, looking relieved. They got up, and turned to look at their plant. It had gone back to looking like a usual, innocent gardenia, no signs of anything out of the ordinary there except the ashes and signs of fire around it.

"Where do you think Professor Sprout got that gardenia from anyway?" She asked as they headed for the door. "Has Hagrid been getting into herbology lately or something?"


	12. pretty good year

**A/N: **100-word drabble, gen of the experimental kind.

-

_#12 - in a good mood_

**pretty good year**

_- in which we learn that things could be worse -_

_-_

ron thinks things could be much worse.

they sit by the lake and pansy just kissed him and now they're laughing together.

and the war has been over for a long time now and not everyone (who is still there) is okay but they're getting there.

and bad things happen sometimes and he's learned that you can't always stop them but you do what you can.

(and the chudley cannons won the league this year, too.)

the breeze by the lake is calm and it's summer and it's twilight.

and ron thinks,

things are pretty good.

(or they will be.)


	13. Heard It Through

-

_#13 - excessive chain_

**Heard It Through**

_- in which there is an orgy. Or something. -_

_-_

"So is it true?"

"Is what true?"

"Were Weasley and Parkinson really caught in some really compromising situation in one of the broom closets last night? That was what I heard, and I figured since the two of you are his best friends and all..."

"Compromising situation?"

"Like, snogging or... Well, you know. Doing... _something_..."

"No, it wasn't like that. They were just hiding from Filch in there."

"Really? Are you sure? Because maybe that's just what Weasley is saying..."

"No, really, that's what happened. We were there."

"You were there? Why weren't you caught then?"

"We were under the... Err... I mean... We had time to find a better hiding place."

"Oh, ok. Why were you all out in the middle of the night anyway?"

"Err. Just felt like taking a walk. Err. You know how it is sometimes..."

"Well, no. But if you say so..."

The curious Hufflepuff left, and Harry and Hermione stared after him.

"The things people will believe." Hermione shook her head. "We shouldn't have said we were there, though, next there will be rumours that we were all having an orgy or something."

"Yeah, wouldn't want that to get out," Harry muttered sarcastically.

-

In the end, Harry and Hermione decided that it would probably be better if they didn't tell Ron that their nightly excursion looking for clues had resulted in rumours of him making out with - or doing _something _with - Pansy Parkinson in a broom closet. It wasn't his fault, after all, that he hadn't had time to get under the invisibility cloak like the two of them had when they ran into her. And it wasn't really Ron's fault that he and Pansy couldn't find a better hiding place than the broom closet when Filch showed up.

Besides, they figured, the rumouor would die out soon enough if they just left them alone.

-

"Hey, Ron! I heard you had some... _adventures_ last night." Seamus paused and wiggled his eyebrows, stressing the _adventures._ "You and Parkinson were caught in a closet, and Harry and Hermione were there too but managed to get away. Is that true?"

Ron turned around in his seat to look at Seamus and Dean. "Oh, you heard about that? Did Harry tell you?"

"No, I heard it from Ernie MacMillan, who heard it from some Ravenclaws, who heard it from some guy who overheard Harry and Hermione talking about it."

"Err... Oh. Okay... Well, Parkinson and I got detention." Ron grimaced. "Harry and Hermione got away, though. And Neville and Ginny weren't there yet, so they got away too."

Seamus and Dean stared at him. "Neville... and Ginny too?" Seamus asked, faintly.

Ron shrugged, and turned his (lack of) attention back to Professor Binns, trying not to think of the upcoming detention.

-

Harry was sitting at a table in the library with Neville, working on some schedules for the DA, when they heard the voices nearby.

"So you heard about the Weasley and Parkinson-thing, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, apparently that's not even the half of it. Potter and Granger were there too, and they were all waiting for - get this _- Longbottom_ and _Weasley's little sister."_

"Oh, come on. That's just a rumour. You know how people get."

"I would, but _Weasley said so himself! _Told Finnigan and Thomas. Seriously."

"No way."

"I know."

"The Weasleys are apparently a really weird family."

In hindsight, it probably would have been better to inform Ron of the rumours, Harry decided.

-

Ron rather wondered why people were giving him odd stares all day, and Harry and Hermione just squirmed when he asked what was going on and muttered something about it probably having to do with him being out after curfew and getting detention for it. So it wasn't until Luna Lovegood showed up, an accusing look on her face, that he found out.

"Harry, Ronald, Hermione. I'm quite disappointed in you," she informed them sternly. "It really isn't polite to arrange an orgy and not invite _all _your friends, you know."

Ron gaped.

Harry and Hermione squirmed some more.

-

Pansy Parkinson survived the day by retreating to her dorm and refusing to come out for the rest of the day after she heard that people actually had the audacity to believe she would lower herself to doing sordid things with redheads who weren't only Gryffindors but Weasleys as well. In _broom closets_ of all places.

Later, Ron would use this as proof that Gryffindors were indeed braver than Slytherins.

-

By dinnertime, it was a well-known fact in Hogwarts that Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, the Weasley siblings, Neville Longbottom and, for some reason, Pansy Parkinson, met for weekly orgies every Sunday night, and that they were sometimes joined by a house-elf. _("Well, they _are_ very eager to please, I guess...")_

Some also said that Snape had demanded that Dumbledore should add a new rule about orgies not being allowed at Hogwarts to the list of school rules. Rumour also had it that Filch strongly supported this motion, with added clauses of his own. _("Probably 'unless I'm involved as well'.")_

-

All in all, most the students of Hogwarts went to bed feeling quite good about their day that night. 

It wasn't many days before the incident seemed to be forgotten, though. Although Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Ginny and Pansy did have people shyly pulling them aside or sending them letters asking if they could possibly join the orgy circle for quite some time afterwards.

They became pretty good at simply saying no without having their blood-pressure rise too much in a few weeks.

(Except Ginny, who found the whole thing amusing, and told the hopeful would-be club-members that the initiation test consisted of asking Snape for permission to hold an orgy-club meeting in the Potions classroom, where he would be the guest of honour.

No one ever passed the initiation test.

Though rumour had it that one especially brave - or, perhaps, stupid - Gryffindor had actually attempted it.

Rumour also had it that said boy's grandchildren would still be suffering from the hex that was put on him.

But that was just a rumour.)


	14. What The Oracle Said

_-_

_#14 - radio-cassette player_

**What The Oracle Said **

_- in which we learn that having a crazy family has its perks -_

_-_

Ron Weasley realised at a fairly young age that his family was nuts. It wasn't that it bothered him much, really, it was simply an undisputable fact. Honestly, what else was a young boy supposed to think when his dad dragged home Muggle artefacts that he then proudly proceeded to enthusiastically demonstrate to his family - despite the fact that they very rarely actually worked?

"It's like a radio, only it works on _eccelectricity!"_

Arthur was in one of his best moods the day he brought home the radio-cassette player. He beamed happily and proceeded to experiment with it whenever he happened to have some spare time over the following week or so. However, despite his best efforts to connect it to the plugs in his collection, it refused work. ("Might have something to do with our not being connected to one of those networks," Arthur sighed, shaking his head sadly.)

So true to form, he proceeded to experiment with it using various spells and hexes instead. Later, he wasn't quite sure how he'd managed it, but somehow, what he managed to do was to make the thing sprout advice to whoever was about when it felt it was necessary. ("So it's like an oracle," commented little Ginny, who wasn't quite on the clear with what an oracle actually was - though Percy was quick to explain it very thorougly to her. However, since that day the casette player was commonly referred to by the Weasleys as the Burrow Oracle.)

How it ended up with Ron was anyone's guess (though it might have something to do with the fact that Molly was rather fond of how it kept telling him to clean up the mess in his room or brush his teeth or stop trying to hide from his mother when she had chores for him over and over until he got so fed up with it that he actually did what it said.), and why Arthur, who usually held on to his Muggle artefacts like a dragon to a treasure, didn't do just that in this case was an even bigger mystery (though it might have had something to do with the fact that the thing kept informing him he should "stop messing with things he knew nothing about before he ended up up the creek without a paddle." Or at least read the instruction manual before he did.).

Ron actually tried to discretely "accidentally misplace" it a few times. But somehow it always found its way back, and he was never sure why. (Though he did suspect a conspiracy between his siblings to annoy him as much as possible - not counting Percy, of course, who probably just genuinely thought the thing was useful for him.) And over the years, the spell - or spells, or hexes, or whatever had affected it - slowly started to wear off, and by the time Ron was seventeen, it hadn't said a word for years, and he had practically forgot about its existence. It just stood there in a corner in his room, usually buried beneath a layer or two of other things.

So when Ron found himself alone in his room with Pansy Parkinson one day that summer, it was the last thing on his mind. Pansy's father had had some business with Ron's father, and for some reason Pansy had been dragged along. ("Ginny's out, but why don't the two of you go chat? You're in the same year, aren't you? You probably have a lot to talk about.") And so, they found themselves seated in Ron's room, looking at each other in silence, both feeling rather uncomfortable, not quite sure what to say, and not just a little bored. Not to mention awkward.

Of course, this was when the cassette-player decided to give its first piece of advice for years, as it promptly informed Ron he should just _kiss the girl_. That was when Ron decided he'd had quite enough of it, and dropped the family Oracle out the window. This time, it shattered and was later thrown away (without Arthur's knowledge, just in case) and it never returned to its place in the corner of Ron's room.

Although later, Ron almost regretted it a little, as he came to the conclusion that had been the most pleasant piece of advice it had ever given him after all.


	15. Blue In The Face

-

_#15 - perfect blue_

**Blue in the Face**

_- in which we learn that making bets with Ravenclaws is not a good idea -_

_- _

Pansy stared at the sight in front of her. And blinked. And then, she stared some more.

"Ron, that is you, isn't it?" she finally ventured.

The person in front of her sighed. "Yes, it's me."

"Well, if you don't mind me asking... Ron, _where_ is your head?"

Ron seemed to grit his teeth - she couldn't be sure, though, as he was only visible from the neck down.

"I'm wearing a Headless Hat," he told her, sounding rather tense.

"Right, of course. You wouldn't have any objections to telling me _why_, exactly, you're wearing one of those?"

"Well, I lost this bet... So I have to wear this until midnight tonight. Are you telling me you didn't notice at all during the day? I was pretty good at staying out of sight, in that case."

Pansy shrugged. "I have other things to think about than you, Weasley. You're not that interesting." She stared at him some more, trying to figure out where exactly his eyes were. "There's no one else around than me now. Why don't you just take it off?"

"I tried. Wasn't a good idea. Trust me on this one."

Pansy frowned. "What happened?"

Ron went quiet for a while, and then held out his hands and drew off one of the gloves. She hadn't noticed he was wearing any before now.

His hand was blue.

"Turns out she put a hex on the hat."

Pansy stared at the hand in fascination. And then burst out laughing hysterically.

Ron crossed his arms over his chest, and despite his current headless situation, Pansy was quite certain he was was giving her an indignant look.

"But the damage is done, why can't you take the thing off now?" she finally managed after calming down a little.

"Every time I take the hat off, it adds another day to how long I'm going to stay blue. I'd rather have that end at midnight too," he explained mournfully.

This, of course, caused Pansy to burst out laughing again.

"Why was I stupid enough to go making a bet with a Ravenclaw anyway?" Ron continued. "Especially a completely insane one who does a perfect colour-changing spell."

"Who was that?" Pansy managed between giggles.

"Luna Lovegood."

"Oh. She's insane? I thought she was one of your friends?"

"Of course we're friends. Doesn't change the fact that she's nuts though."

Pansy shook her head, still giggling. "This is too great. You're blue..."

"It's for _Ravenclaw_," Ron interrupted, sounding rather sarcastic.

"...And headless too! You and that Gryffindor ghost could form a club!"

"Oh, not you too! Seamus and Dean have been calling me _Nearly Headless Ron _all day, and Nick's been giving me these really hurt looks and muttering something about _fake headlessness _and _no headless pride _every time I've seen him."

Pansy reached out to pat him on the shoulder. "Poor you. I feel for you. Really I do."

"I'm sure," Ron muttered.

She snorted and leaned forward to give him a kiss, and Ron leaned forward to meet her. She soon broke the kiss, though, looking thoughtfully at where she guessed his eyes should be. "Hmm," she commented. "This is a little too weird. I think this'll have to wait until you're head is more... visible."

Ron sighed. "Of course."

It wasn't until she was back in her dorm and was laughing about the story with the other girls of her year, whom she had obviously dutifully spread the story to as soon as she got back, that Pansy realised she hadn't even asked what the bet had been about in the first place.


	16. A Lot To Learn

**Disclaimer: **In addition to not owning _Harry Potter_ and its characters, I also do not own _Prince of Tennis/Tennis no Ohjisama, _or the characters appearing from that universe.

**A/N:** This part of our saga is a crossover with the _Prince of Tennis_-verse, and since many of you HP people might not know this series, I figured a short summary might be useful. So basically, _Prince of Tennis_ is a series about a bunch of pretty 14-year-old boys who play tennis that defies the laws of physics. That should be enough information to get you through this.

Also, future!Pansy works for _The Quibbler_. It's inevitable, isn't it?

Oh, and thank you so much once again to those who have reviewed, it makes my day!

-

_#16 - invincible; unrivaled_

**A Lot To Learn**

_- in which we make a crossover into the realm of crack, and learn that here, gravity is optional -_

_-_

Pansy frowned to herself as she and Ron walked down yet another random street. They had been in Tokyo for a couple of weeks now, and she had yet to find something spectacular to write about. When Ron's job as an Auror had sent him here, her editor had been next to ecstatic and all but commanded her to go along, all expanses paid and everything. "There has been a noticeable increase of Snorkack sightings all over Japan recently! Not the Crumple-horned ones, sadly, just common ones, but still..." Mr Lovegood had told her. "I want you to look into that! Oh, and while you're there, do look around for other interesting things going on over there. Perhaps we could make it some kind of series..."

So here she was, the only news she'd managed to come across so far some rather boring stuff on the upcoming election of the new Japanese Minister for Magic, and a couple of interviews with some of the people who had reported the Snorkack-sightings. Oh, and a report on that charity Quidditch match Ron had been invited to play in the previous weekend - he was something of a celebrity even in this part of the world as a result of his involvement in the defeat of one of the most feared Dark Wizards ever, after all.

Not knowing the language was perhaps part of the reason she wasn't able to gather that much interesting news, Pansy had to admit. The lack of anything to write about had led to her dragging Ron along on the walk they were on at the moment. Perhaps, if they just walked around long enough, they'd stumble on something interesting, she had reasoned.

They'd been wandering around for a couple of hours already, though, and something extraordinary had yet to fall into her lap.

At some point they'd wandered out of the wizarding part of the city, and they now found themselves in a part of it they were quite unfamiliar with. Stopping next to a staircase leading up from the street, Pansy decided she needed some rest and sat down on one of the steps. Sighing, she turned to her boyfriend. "This is boring," she said. "I just want something at least mildly interesting to happen. Is that too much to ask, I ask you?"

Ron grinned down at her. "Well-," he began, but was interrupted, as a tennis ball, of all things, came flying from somewhere, hitting him in his forehead and causing him to fall backward onto the pavement.

"Whoa," Pansy said, getting up quickly. "Are you okay?"

Ron looked up at her, looking a bit dazed. "I think so." He sat up, and reached for the tennis ball, which had landed next to him and was now lying there looking quite innocent. "It was just a tennis ball? I thought the sky was falling down or something."

He stood up, and just as he had, a boy appeared at the top of the stairs, a racquet in his hand. The boy walked down towards them, saying something neither Ron nor Pansy could understand.

"Sorry, don't speak Japanese," Ron told him apologetically as he came closer.

"Oh. I asked if you've seen a tennis ball around here," the boy said, in perfect English, although with an American accent.

"Ah, yes. It just made some close contact with my head," Ron said, giving the boy a lopsided grin as he handed the ball back.

"Thanks," the boy said.

"You're playing tennis?" Ron asked, a bit redundantly considering the ball and the racquet the boy was carrying.

"Yeah."

"I used to play tennis you know," Ron continued, looking almost wistful. "Was undefeated at it, too. Won the tournament every year."

Pansy's eyebrows shot up. She hadn't known that.

The boy stared at Ron far a few moments. "Are you any good? Want to play a game?"

Ron's face lit up. "It's been a long time... But sure, why not?"

The boy looked at him impassively for another few moments, and then tugged at the cap he was wearing and turned and headed back up the stairs, Ron and Pansy following.

-

The courts on the other side were apparently a gathering place for a lot of young people. The boy in the cap headed first for a bench where a girl and two boys were sitting, and exchanged a few words with one of the boys sitting there - an older boy with unruly hair and glasses. He looked older than the other people around, so Pansy figured he was probably some kind of coach or club leader or something along those lines. The boy next to him, a somewhat frail looking boy with lighter brown hair and a permanently amused look on his face, looked up at them as they came to a halt next to them, and his eyes seemed to widen for a moment when he noticed Ron, but the look was only there for a fraction of a second before his eyes closed and his face settled into a soft smile once again.

There were two boys playing on the court right next to the bench. The two of them seemed more interested in shouting at each other and occasionally turning towards the girl on the bench to see her reaction every now and then than in actually playing. The girl seemed rather amused by this, and was chuckling and shaking her head at them.

When the boy in the cap had finished talking to the leader-type - Pansy was sure he had to be one - he led Ron towards the next court. Another boy had apparently been waiting for him there, but after they had exchanged a few words, he handed his racquet to Ron and left the court, heading for the bench where the other three were sitting. She heard him mumble something as he passed her, and he kept it up as he sat down next to the girl. No one seemed to be paying him any attention, though.

Feeling a little out of place where she was standing, Pansy turned to look at the court where the game was just starting.

-

Ron and Pansy walked back down the stairs in silence.

They stopped on the pavement where they had been standing when Ron was hit by the ball.

"Wow," Ron finally said, looking back up the stairs towards the tennis courts. "That was embarrassing."

"That it was," Pansy agreed. "I thought you were supposed to be invincible tennis-star Ron Weasley or something."

"Well... We never played like _that_, I can tell you."

Pansy looked at him suspiciously. "What were those competitions you won, anyway?"

Ron turned to look at her, grinning. "The Annual Weasley Summer Wizard Tennis Championships. Held every summer in our backyard."

"In your_ backyard?_ How would that work? You don't even have courts."

"I did say it was _Wizard_ tennis."

"Who did you play against, anyway?"

"Well... Percy, Fred, George, and Ginny, usually. Dad played one year, too. And my cousin Mafalda one summer."

Pansy shook her head. "You're all nuts," she declared. She then stood on her toes and gave him a peck on the cheek - this was a fact she'd long ago accepted about her boyfriend, after all. "How come I've never been allowed to see you play?"

"Well," Ron explained. "The last time we held those championship I must have been about ten or eleven or so... I don't even think I have a racquet anymore... Do you think I could go back and do a memory charm on those people?" he then added hopefully.

"No."

"Oh, come on, just one little _obliviate?"_ Ron whined, giving her one of the patented pathetic looks he had perfected over the years.

"I would appreciate it if you did not do that," a voice behind them declared softly. Ron and Pansy both swirled around to see one of the boys from before coming down the stairs. "You are Ronald Weasley, aren't you?" he continued, stopping beside them on the pavement as he reached the bottom of the stairs. His English, while not as good as good as that of Ron's opponent, was still very good and only slightly accented.

"Err... yeah...How'd you know that?" Ron asked, confused.

The boy chuckled. "You are quite famous, you know. Helping to defeat that Dark Lord of yours and all."

"Oh, you're a wizard, then?" Pansy asked.

"I _knew_ it!" Ron exclaimed. "You're wizards! That was _not_ normal tennis, it wasn't!"

The boy gave another chuckle. "I am afraid neither I nor my friends are wizards," he said. "My sister, however is a witch, and quite a good one at that. She tells me a lot, and I read your wizarding newspapers when I can. I find them quite interesting."

"Oh. You _sure_ there was nothing magical about that tennis game?"

"Quite sure," the boy said, the smile never leaving his face.

"Really?" Ron eyed him suspiciously. "What do you people do then, call up gravity and ask it to take the day off?"

"Maybe," the boy said. "Fuji Syuusuke," he then said, holding out his hand to do their introductions the Western way.

"Right. Ron Weasley. But you already knew that. Err... This is Pansy Parkinson."

Introductions done, Fuji turned back to Ron. "My sister brought me to see your Quidditch game last week," he said. "It was very interesting."

Ron laughed. "Yeah, well... A bit different from tennis, though."

"Indeed. Though I was thinking of using some of the things I saw in this move I'm working on-" Fuji trailed off, not telling them any more about the planned move. Instead, he asked Ron about Quidditch, and Ron was more than happy to supply some long and enthusiastic answers for all his questions. Apparently, while Fuji's sister may have been an excellent witch in other ways, she was still not very versed in the art of wizarding sports.

Pansy sighed softly to herself, not really listening to what they were saying. Boys would be boys, she figured. Sports nuts, the lot of them, wheteher Muggles or wizards, and whether the sport was tennis or Quidditch.

The conversation was interrupted, though, as once again, a tennis ball came flying from the courts, knocking Ron to the ground once again just like before.

Leaning down, Pansy stared at Ron's forehead. "I think it hit the exact same spot as before," she decided.

Fuji, meanwhile, had picked up the tennis ball, and used his racquet to hit it back when the boy in the cap - Echizen, Pansy seemed to remember he'd been called - appeared on the top of the stairs and caught it easily with his own. .

_"Mada mada dane,"_ Echizen said, with a look at Ron's figure on the ground, before disappearing back to the courts.

Pansy gave Fuji a questioning look, but he just rolled his eyes and shook his head slightly.

-

As she and Ron walked back towards their hotel, Pansy found herself wondering whether there was a story to be written about the occasional non-magical glitches in gravity and the laws of physics. It might make for an interesting exposé.

-

A few weeks later, home in England, Ron came home carrying a new racquet one evening.

He just shrugged as Pansy burst out laughing.

The next summer, he won the newly reinstated Weasley Summer Wizard Tennis Championships.

-

In Japan, a month or so later, during a specifically intense game against Rikkaidai's Sanada Genichirou, Fuji Syuusuke introduced a new move that stunned everyone who saw it, and everyone agreed that it was an amazing move well worthy of the tennis prodigy.

Though they all also agreed that _"The Bludger"_ was a rather silly name for it.

-

**A/N: "**_Mada mada dane"_ is practically Echizen's - the _Prince of Tennis_ main character's - catchphrase. It means something along the lines of "_you still have a long way to go",_ or _"you still have a lot to learn"._


	17. PR

_-_

_#17 - kHz (kilohertz)_

**PR**

_- in which we learn the importance of good advertising -_

_-_

"Pansy, why is everyone staring at us?"

"Don't ask me! Maybe they're surprised that a bunch of Weasleys are sitting in this section? These are the most expensive seats."

"That wouldn't explain why the whole stadium has turned to stare at us instead of the actual Quidditch game."

"It's the best explanation I can come up with, though."

"Well, _I_ have a better one."

"George? I should have figured you had something to do with it."

"It wasn't me. It was Fred! Those sweets you just ate were some of our new Sonorus Sweets. They won't be on sale until next week. You got to try them out beforehand! Aren't you lucky?

"_Sonorus Sweets?" _What have they got to do with it?"

"Well, dear brother, your voices have been magnified. The whole stadium can hear everything you're saying."

_"What?"_

"Oh, you speak at the same time! That's so cute!"

"Ron, I hate your brothers."

"Join the club. How long will these last? Would a _Silencio_ work?"

_"Silencio._ Did it work?"

"Since everyone are shaking their heads, I'm guessing not."

"I could have told you that!"

"George, you're not helping. Tell us how to stop this, right now!"

"Aren't you impatient? It'll wear off... In a few hours or so. And you're doing so well as living, walking, talking advertisements."

"You know, Ron, I'm starting to think this is why Fred and George never get any dates."

"Oh, but they do sometimes. It's just that they always manage to mess them up. George here had a date last week, actually, but the girl slapped him and stormed out after 15 minutes."

"Really?"

"Yes, apparently George suggested to her that-"

"Ron! _Mum_ is probably listening to this on the radio! Here, have some Silencio Chocolates. They'll get you back to normal, okay?

"Thanks."

"... did they work?"

"... seems like it."

"Good. _What,_ exactly was that suggestion?"

"Well... lean over, I'd better whisper it..."

"... _What?"_

"_Ow!_ You don't have to slap me, I'm just telling you what _George_ said."

"Oh, sorry. George is sitting too far away, and it was a spontaneous reaction. I'll kiss and make it better later."

"I'll hold you to that."

"Hey, why don't the two of you do that here? Most the audience is still watching, and we could say it was a side effect of the sweets. Sales would increase drastically, I'm sure."

"George?"

"Yes, little brother?"

"Shut up."

-


	18. Redecoration

_-_

_#18 - "say ahh..."_

**Redecoration**

_- in which we get a lesson in culinary arts -_

_-_

Ron had had a bad feeling the whole day, a strange feeling of foreboding that only kept growing as the day went on. Something was not right, he was sure, but he couldn't tell exactly what it was. All he knew was that there was definitely a serious danger looming behind the corner.

As he arrived home, he found out he had not been wrong. Pansy was in the kitchen, cheerfully working with something that was possibly supposed to be some kind of soup boiling in a large pot in front of her. She beamed at Ron as he entered the kitchen.

"Ron! Just in time to taste this! I've been trying out this new recipe," she informed him, and Ron felt his heart freeze to ice inside him. "Here," she continued, dipping a spoon into the pot and holding it out towards him. "Say ahh!"

"Aaargh," Ron managed, backing towards the door in a panic.

"Come on, don't be like that. It's good, I swear. I just tried some myself."

"Pansy, the only thing worse than testing your cooking is testing new products for the twins." He stared at the spoon she was holding, and swallowed. "Actually, I take that back. I'd rather test Fred and George's stuff than that. I'm sure green like that does _not_ exist in nature."

Pansy looked insulted, and to prove her point she put the spoon to her lips, though Ron was sure none of the soup actually went into her mouth.

"See? It's good!"

And before Ron could do anything, she had closed in on him and pressed the spoon to his lips instead in the most frightening indirect kiss he'd ever encountered. Since the last time she'd cooked, at least.

He was saved, though, as there was an explosion behind them, and Pansy dropped the spoon in startled surprise.

The walls and the ceiling surrounding the disaster-area remained slightly neon green for months afterward - no hexes or spells, or even the Muggle stain remover that Pansy finally reluctantly borrowed from Hermione helped - until one day, Pansy decided to venture into the strange world of cooking again.

They were slightly purple instead after that.


	19. Morning After

**A/N: **This was originally written and posted on LiveJournal on February 15th. The significance of this? Read on and find out.

-

_#19 - red_

**Morning After**

_- in which we learn who wasn't kissed on Valentine's Day -_

_-_

"Pansy, what happened to your hair?"

Draco stared in shock at his friend as she sat down in the seat next to him. She grinned at him and fluffed her hair. "Like it?"

"It's _red!_

"So it is." She shrugged. "The Valentine's Day curse and all, you know it only takes affect the day after."

"Valentine's was yesterday. What did you do, decided, you wanted to match it or something? A little late for that."

"You didn't hear about the curse, then?"

"What curse?"

Pansy was about to explain when they were interrupted by the arrival of Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle, who sat down in the seats behind them.

Vincent's hair, just as Pansy's, had apparently magically changed colours since yesterday as well, and was now blond. Draco stared in disgust at his friend, but Pansy grinned and gave him a thumbs up. Vincent flushed and shrunk back in his seat, looking rather sheepish.

Draco decided it was best not to ask, and turned back to Pansy.

"Can't you do anything about that hair? It annoys me like that. Reminds me of _Weasley's_."

He could hear something like coughs from Vincent and Gregory, which he duteously ignored, and Pansy gave him an angelic look - well, as much of one as she could manage, at least.

"Won't be a problem today," a voice said behind him, and he turned to see Ron Weasley standing behind him, hair dark brown today. In fact, Draco pondered, it looked almost like he and Pansy had switched hair colours since yesterday.

"Weasley. Speak of the devil. Now go away," he sneered.

Ron shrugged, and turned to go sit next to Potter. Who had apparently also been hit by the hair-dying craze and now had a head full of dirty blond hair.

Draco turned back to Pansy.

"Ok, what's going on here?"

"Well, as I said, there was this curse yesterday" she began, but was interrupted.

"I bet it was Voldemort."

Draco turned to look at Potter. "You think it's You Know Who's fault when it rains."

Potter just gave him a superior look that obviously meant _'You Wouldn't Understand Anyway'_.

"Well, I personally wouldn't put it beyond Dumbledore," Pansy said on his other side.

"Nah," came a voice from behind them. Gregory handed Pansy a copy of the Daily Prophet. "I think this has to be it."

"Ah, I see," she said, having scanned the little article he had pointed out to her. Annoyed at not having a clue of what was going on, Draco snatched the paper from her, and she pointed out the notice to him as well.

_"Gilderoy Lockhart escapes from St Mungo's,"_ he read out loud. _"'Not dangerous but capable of many rather annoying Valentine's spells', says expert."_

"Aha! I knew it was Voldemort!" Potter again.

Draco snorted. "What would You Know Who want with that idiot?"

Potter gave him yet another superior and long-suffering look. "Annoy me, of course."

Even Potter's trusted best friend and defender Weasley rolled his eyes at that.

Draco stared in disgust at the boy who lived. "I see you managed to get hit by that curse yesterday as well." He looked around the classroom, suddenly noticing more heads of a different colour than they usually were, and felt oddly satisfied. "Shame you don't all have my ability of avoiding curses," he added smugly.

"You know, in this case, you really would be the best at avoiding it, wouldn't you? I really can't say I'm surprised," a prim voice from behind Potter declared, and Draco turned to look at Granger. She was sitting behind Potter, next to Longbottom, and looking at him with an odd expression of amusement on her face. In fact, there were suddenly a lot of amused grins all around the classroom, he noticed. He was just about to give her a witty reply (_!Shut up, mudblood!" _- he was rather proud of that one), when the door flew open and Snape swept in.

"I want you all to shut up and stop polluting the air with your voices," the Potions master declared as he made his way to the front of the classroom.

Draco turned his attention to his favourite teacher. At least _his_ hair was the right colour.


	20. Endtimes

_-_

_#20 - the road home_

**Endtimes**

_- in which we learn how to deal with last days of school -_

-

Their last trip home from Hogwarts was rather subdued. Harry was sitting next to the window, quietly looking out at the landscape flashing by for what was most likely the last time ever. Luna was sitting next to him, legs crossed beneath her and one of her knees sticking into Harry's thigh. She seemed quite unaffected by the gloom that had settled on the other people in the compartment, and was humming softly to herself as she read one of her ever-present copies of the Quibbler.

Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Neville were all rather quiet though, sticking in a word here and there, but mostly feeling quite unsure of what to say. They had all rather imagined it would be different after Voldemort was gone, that they'd finally be able to live as they imagined they should have lived the last few years had Voldemort never even existed. But ever since that last confrontation between Harry and Voldemort, which true to tradition had taken place at the end of the school year, Harry had been quiet. He'd seemed especially distant, and didn't seem to want to talk or even think about it, and no one knew exactly what had happened except him.

All they knew was that all the angry and sad and determined and jumpy and desperate moods he had been in before seemed to have disappeared completely, and all that was left was a strange absent-mindedness, a feeling that he wasn't quite back in the same world as the rest of them yet.

So they all sat in a silence, only exchanging a word here and there occasionally, when the door to their compartment flew open and Pansy Parkinson burst in, followed by Millicent Bullstrode.

"Gryffindors! I'm going to miss you all so much!" Pansy declared, flinging herself onto Neville and giving him a big hug.

Neville looked quite bewildered. "Err... Yeah. Me too," he said, awkwardly, as Pansy let go of him and turned to Luna. "I don't know you, but I'm sure I'll miss you too," she said, giving her a hug as well.

"I'm not actually in your year," Luna commented calmly, but Pansy didn't pay her any attention as she had already gone on to giving Harry a hug and then turned to the other side of the compartment, where she continued the round of hugs first with Ginny and then with Hermione.

"I'm _really_ going to miss you," she told Hermione. "Who am I going to think up creative insults about now?"

To everyone's surprise, Hermione nodded and hugged Pansy back. "I'm going to feel quite unimportant. No one will bother to make up really bad stories about me anymore." She paused for a while. "You do realise those insults were never very creative in the first place, though?"

"Whatever. Insults are insults." Pansy shrugged and let go of her, turning to the last person in the compartment. "I'm going to miss _you _the most though, Weasley," she declared as she threw her arms around him.

And then, she kissed him.

"You're so cute when you're completely confused," she continued, noticing his look, as she pulled back.

With that, she headed out of the compartment as suddenly as she had come in. Ron stared after her for a while, blinking in shock. Turning back to back to the compartment, he noticed Millicent, who been one step behind Pansy in delivering her hugs the whole time, looking at him.

"You're not going to kiss me as well, are you?" he asked her apprehensively.

She was satisfied with just giving him a hug, though, and left in Pansy's footsteps after that.

The original occupants (save Luna, who had gone back to reading her magazine as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened) turned to each other, still unsure of what to say.

And then, they all burst out laughing at the same time.

Harry as well, they noticed.


	21. Conspiracy Theory

_-_

_#21 - violence; pillage/plunder; extortion_

**Conspiracy Theory**

_- in which we learn about the Great Gryffindor Homework-stealing Conspiracy -_

_-_

Harry, Ron and Hermione were just making their way back to the Gryffindor tower after a particularly dull lesson in History of Magic when they were interrupted by a voice calling Ron's name, and a flying Charms book hitting the back of his head.

"Parkinson," he said, turning around and seeing who the culprit was.

"You have my Divination notes. They've been gone since we had to work together on that group project last weekend. Give them back."

"I don't have your notes, Parkinson. You've probably just lost them."

"Sure," she said, walking up to him and grabbing his book bag, which she then turned upside down and emptied on the floor.

"Told you," Ron said smugly a moment later as she had to give up the search after rummaging through all his books, notes and quills.

Pansy glared at him. "Well, it's still your fault, I'm sure. You're coming with me to look for them." With that, she grabbed his sleeve and dragged him away. Harry and Hermione stared after them for a few seconds, then looked at each other and shrugged. They then continued on their way, after first pausing for a while to pick up Ron's things from the floor.

Meanwhile, Pansy dragged Ron into an empty classroom.

"Think they suspect anything?" Pansy asked, closing the door behind them.

"Well, since that's the third time this month you've used the missing Divinations notes-excuse to drag me off, I think it's safe to say they do."

Pansy shrugged. "Oh. Well, Draco still buys it. He's convinced it's part of a Gryffindor conspiracy to find out all our secrets and use them to make Slytherin look as bad as possible. And to destroy our grades in the process. He just hasn't decided if you or Potter is the mastermind behind it, though I think at the moment he's leaning towards it being you."

Ron stared at her.

"You're not going to say anything sarcastic?"

"It would be too easy. That just made fun of itself, really."

"Whatever. Let's just snog."

And so they did.


	22. Talk the Talk

-

_#22 - cradle_

**Talk the Talk**

_- in which we learn a lot more than we wanted to. Or Ron does, at least. -_

_-_

"You both slept in this when you were babies," Mrs Weasly said, gesturing towards the dusty cradle. "So did all of your brothers."

Ron and Ginny both nodded miserably. Their brothers had warned them about this, in hushed voices and with odd, hunted looks on their faces.

"I'm showing it to you now to remind the both of you that I _don't_ want either one of you to be in a situation where we might need to dust it off and carry it downstairs just yet," Mrs Weasly continued, giving both of her children stern looks as she said this.

"Mum! We know!" Ginny gave her mother a pleading look. "I know you're feeling paranoid because you caught Ron kissing Parkinson the other day, but you really don't have to tell us about the birds and the bees or the importance of protection. We _know._ We grew up in a family with seven children, for Merlin's sake."

"Yes, but I really think you need to be reminded. You're both at that age and all..."

"We have been for a long time," Ginny interrupted. "We've _known_ for a long time."

"Besides," Ron continued. "What's this really about? You were never like this when I was dating Hermione..."

Mrs Weasley sighed and turned towards her youngest son. "Oh, but that's different. _Hermione_'s a sensible girl. But this one... Ron, she's a _Slytherin_. Do be careful, you never know about them..."

Ginny snorted at that. "What, you think Slytherins are decadent sex-maniacs that have orgies in the dungeons and that she's trying to seduce Ron?"

"Ginny, you know that's not what I meant-" Mrs Weasley began, but she was cut off as Ginny continued.

"_Please._ I mean, this is the house that has _Snape_ for its head! And the house that's famous for fine examples of humanity like Crabbe and Goyle for students. Really, I don't think Parkinson could do seduction if she tried. She's way too plain and straight-forward and unimaginative for that."

Mrs Weasley gave her daughter another very stern look. "Be that as it may, you are still at that age, and you never know... Now, shut up and listen."

She went on to tell her two oldest children a tale that froze their blood, and they finally understood why it was that all their older brothers been so uncharacteristically grim when warning them of this. The Talk was every bit as traumatizing as they had said, and more so.

It was the small details that were especially memorable, and it was a long time before they stopped waking up occasionally from nightmares haunted by said details. And it took months before the sight of a cradle stopped giving them a serious urge to run away screaming.

And so, some months later, when they were face to face with the Dark Lord Voldemort and his followers and things were at their darkest, they found courage in the fact that once, they had faced worse, and lived to tell the tale.


	23. Like Kids in a Candystore

_-_

_#23 - candy_

**Like Kids in a Candystore **

_- in which we learn about yet another evil plot gone wrong -_

_-_

It was all Draco's fault, of course. He was the one that once again hatched a plot that failed spectacularly to lock in a wandless Harry Potter into the Shrieking Shack. Instead he somehow managed to lock in a wandless Pansy Parkinson and an equally wandless Ron Weasley into Honeydukes. Of course, him being Draco Malfoy, he still believed that it all had gone according to plan, and that Harry Potter would indeed be spending the night between Saturday and Sunday of that Hogsmeade weekend among a bunch of ghosts, and didn't find out anything had gone wrong until a very angry Pansy Parkinson pounced him on Sunday morning.

"I will never look at chocolate the same way again, and it's all your fault," she declared angrily. "Well, yours and Weasley's. He was the one that suggested we eat some of it so that we wouldn't starve."

"Well, Weasley is an idiot, but that actually made some sense." Draco rushed to defend himself.

"You know that Honeydukes chocolate. It's way too addictive."

"You're overreacting, Pansy," Draco tried, grasping at straws.

Pansy, however, swore then and there that she would stay away from chocolate for the rest of her life. Really, what else than a sugar high could explain the fact that she had just spent the night snogging a Weasley?

Back in Gryffindor Tower, said Weasley was making promises of the same kind.

They kept them until, a few weeks later, they were locked into the liquor store a few streets down from Honeydukes and were forced to spend a night there as well.


	24. White Night

-

_#24 - good night_

**White Night**

_- a midsummer night's dream -_

_-_

They walk along the Neva one night.

St Petersburg is completely different by night, all the noises have died down and it's quiet. They meet other people sometimes; lovers walking slowly along the river hand in hand, groups of young people talking quietly and laughing among themselves. Ron and Pansy only speak in hushed voices tonight as well - neither one of them are very eloquent, and they realise that the loud, silly conversations they usually have would not fit into this night.

They walk slowly, stopping sometimes to let Pansy spell out a word somewhere - she doesn't quite understand the words, but she's getting better at understanding Cyrillic's.

The light never leaves completely, but lingers, making the midsummer night so dreamlike that they wonder whether they're really awake or not. The bridges over the river are raised, and they think this might just be the most magical thing they have ever seen. Perhaps this is why so many wizards are pulled to this city, why it has one of the largest concentrations of a wizarding population in the world.

They pause to sit down by the river and watch the boats silently pass by.

"We should come here in winter sometime. Then we could walk on the river."

When the half-light of the night gives way to morning, they return to their temporary home with Pansy's aunt. "Good morning," Ron says, kissing Pansy on the forehead.

_"Dobroe utro,"_ she answers in what is probably a bad accent.

The sunlight creeps in through the window soon after they go to sleep.


	25. Knights in Shining Armour

_-_

_#25 - fence_

**Knights in Shining Armour**

_- in which we learn that chivalry is not dead -_

_-_

"I challenge you to a duel! Draw your sword!" The suit of armour, if it could have, would definitely have glared at Ron. 

Who was definitely feeling quite confused over this challenge. "What? Why? What have I done? And I don't even have sword!"

"I challenge you for the hand of the fair Lady Pansy, who you are quite unworthy of." It turned to Pansy, bowing and taking her hand to kiss it - if it would have been able to do so, that was. It then turned back to Ron drawing the sword at its side and pointing it at Ron. "Your sword, young man?"

"I told you, I don't have one." Ron drew his wand instead, and pointed it at his challenger. _"Petrificus Totalus."_

The suit fell to the floor with a clang.

Pansy stared down at it. "I kind of liked it. Very polite."

Ron gave her a look. "A knight in shining armour come for you, huh? Except, the armour isn't very shiny." He paused, thoughtful. "And there probably isn't really a knight inside, either. At least not a visible one," he then added.

Pansy shrugged. "Oh well. You'll have to do then."

"Your love life is really strange when you go to Hogwarts," Ron decided as they walked off.


	26. From Afar

_-_

_#26 - if only I could make you mine_

**From Afar**

_- in which we learn there is always a price... -_

_- _

_I've dreamed..._

_I've dreamed of you. All my life, I think, or at least since I was old enough to grasp the concept._

_And now you're here, in front of me, so close that if I reached out my hand, I could touch you._

_How I wish I could touch you..._

_How I wish I could be even close to being worthy of your perfection._

_How I wish you could be mine, that I could do more than watch you from afar, that you could be mine..._

"Ron?"

Ron looked up, blinking as if he was just waking from a trance.

Pansy was staring at him. "You're late, we were supposed to meet ten minutes ago."

"Oh, sorry." Ron grinned sheepishly at her. "I lost track of time."

"What's so interesting that you'd forget about me?" She peered through the shop window he'd been looking through. "A _broom? _That's what you were practically kissing this window looking at?"

Ron stared at her, looking scandalized. "_A_ broom? That's not _a_ broom. That's _the_ broom. It's the Ultra Steroid 1 000 000! Best broom on the planet, ever! Just look at it!"

"Okay... Why don't you just buy it then instead of just standing here drooling over it?"

Ron raised an eyebrow at her and pointed to the price tag. Pansy took an involuntary step backward. "Whoa! Okay, I get it. Let's not stand too close to the window in case we somehow breath wrong and it breaks," she said nervously.

"Yeah, maybe we should go," Ron agreed. "We were supposed to go to the Hog's Head, right?"

Pansy snorted. "No way. You were late. We're going to Madam Puddifoot's," she decided, conveniently ignoring the fact that she'd been ten minutes late as well and had only spotted Ron while on her way to meet him.

Ron groaned, but went along as she grabbed his wrist and dragged him away from he window, regretfully throwing a last, longing look at the broom as they went.


	27. that's not how the story goes

**A/N: **Meta-fictional inspiration: Jostein Gardner's _Sophie's World, _Michael Ende's _Neverending Story,_ and The Anime With The Most Horrible Title Ever - _Princess Tutu, _that isAmong others.

-

_#27 - overflow_

**that's not how the story goes**

_- in which we learn how to deal with being fictional -_

_-_

Once upon a time, Pansy Parkinson read a story about stories.

"Hey Ron..."

"Yes?"

"Do you ever think your life would make a good story?"

"Not really."

"Why not?"

"I'm kind of boring."

"Right. All that occasionally kicking Dark Lord-arse is really dull."

"That's not really me, you know."

"Whatever. But don't you ever get the feeling everything is just a story? That everything that happens to us and everything we do is because we're just some characters in some book and someone decided this was the way it goes?"

"Not really. Don't you go nuts thinking like that? I would."

"Meh. But what if - just _if_ - that is how it is?"

"Then I'd... get out of the story or something. Like this." Ron took a step forward. "See, I'm out of it now."

Pansy laughed, and stepped up to stand beside him.

They kissed, and the words of the story overflowed, and blew around them like a storm.


	28. Fairy Tale

**A/N: **For those of you who don't know, Wada Calcium CD3 are some kind of calcium pills. (Well, _I_ didn't know what they were until I wrote this theme!)

_-_

_#28 - Wada Calcium CD3_

**Fairy Tale**

_- in which we learn that sometimes, life might very well be a fairy tale - _

_-_

"What's that?"

Pansy sat down next to Ron at the kitchen table, nodding toward the pill bottle in his hands.

"Came with the post just now. It's from Dad. Some Muggle pills that are supposed to make you really healthy or something."

Pansy snatched the bottle from him. "Wada Calcium CD3," she read out loud. "Doesn't that sound... reassuring? You're not really going to take those, are you? I mean, _Muggle _medicine, Ron. And from your _dad_!"

Ron took back the bottle and stared at it, looking a bit apprehensive. "Well... I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try one..."

He opened the bottle, took out a pill and stared at it for a while. Pansy regarded it suspiciously. "Are you sure about this?"

Ron looked at her, shrugged, took a deep breath and swallowed the pill.

As soon as it was in his mouth, there was a flash and a bang, and the room was filled with smoke. Pansy pressed her eyes shut, blinded for a while, and tried waving away some of the smoke. When she opened her eyes again, Ron was gone.

Instead, on the chair where he had been sitting just a few seconds before, there was a frog. Pansy blinked. And then blinked again. When she was sure she was really seeing what she thought she was seeing, she squealed and jumped out of her chair, knocking it over in the process.

The frog just looked at her.

Taking a deep breath, she finally managed to calm down a bit. "Are... are you Ron?" she finally asked the frog.

The frog kept looking at her.

"Does that mean yes? If you're Ron, jump up and down or something."

The frog took a little leap forward.

"Okay then."

She drew out her wand from her pocket and pointed it at the Ron-frog.

_"Finite Incantatem!"_

Nothing happened. The frog was still there.

"I think I'd better call your Dad," Pansy decided, and headed for the fireplace.

Mr Weasley, however, turned out not to have any idea what to do, and, in fact, seemed quite sure he had not sent his son any pills of any kind lately.

"Someone else in the family might be the inclined to do so, though," he mentioned, smiling slightly.

So next stop; the twins. This turned out not to be of much use either, as George, who happened to be the only twin present at the moment, started laughing so hard when Pansy told him what had happened that she couldn't get a word out of him. So she pulled her head back out of the fireplace and sat down on the sofa in a huff.

The Ron-frog came leaping from the kitchen, one little hop at a time.

"I really hate your family," she angrily told it.

"Now, now, Pansy, we aren't that bad. You know you love us, really."

George's head had appeared in the fireplace, and she gave him her best glare.

"The pills really are working, then," George continued, eyeing the frog that was Ron with interest. He then turned back to Pansy, a grin that was positively evil spreading over his face. "If you want my baby brother back... Well, you know what the princesses of the stories had to do, don't you?"

He winked at her, and disappeared, the grin on his face if possible even more evil.

Pansy turned to the Ron-frog with a horrified look on her face.

"No," she said. "And that's final. We're just going to have to wait for it to wear off."

However, as the hours wore on, and Ron was still a frog and wasn't showing any signs of turning back, Pansy's resolve started to weaken. A few more fireplace visits and some very amused reassurances from George that it really was the only way later, she seemed resigned to her fate.

Lifting the Ron-frog, she drew a deep breath. "If anyone ever says I never did anything for you, they'll be so hexed that they won't know what hit them," she said, closing her eyes and kissing the frog in her hand.

There was another bang, some more smoke, and then Ron was standing in front of her again.

They stared at each other.

"Thanks," Ron finally said, looking rather sheepish.

Pansy groaned. "Don't mention it. Ever again. Though I'm sure George will. Have I mentioned lately I really, really, really hate your family?"


	29. a Seascape

**A/N: **Lyrics under the title by Imani Coppola.

_-_

_#29 - the sound of waves_

**a Seascape**

_- my day at the ocean / my day for collecting shells / it's my day for some fishin' / it's my day at the ocean -_

_-_

They walked along the shore one early morning in late August. It was colder than it had been for a long time, and the wind that was blowing from the sea was almost chilly. It was probably going to rain later.

"Oh! Look at this!" Pansy stopped to pick something up.

"A seashell?"

"Yes." Pansy held it up to her ear. "I thought so," she said with a satisfied grin, and gave it to Ron, who did the same.

"What?"

"You can't hear the waves?"

"Well, yes, but..." Ron gestured towards the sea.

Pansy snatched back the shell. "Oh, don't you know anything? Shells you can hear the sea from are actually recordings that the Sea Symphonic Orchestra of the merpeople of the Atlantic have made and left for people to find. It's a sampling of their music."

"So seashells are in fact... advertising?"

They sat down on a rock.

"I guess you could say that. Kind of cool, isn't it?"

"I'd say it's kind of disillusioning, actually."

Pansy shrugged, and pointed her wand at the shell. _"Sonorus," _she said, and the sound rose to mingle with the actual waves.

It was interrupted almost right away, though, by another sound. _"Ron and Pansy, sitting on a beach, K-I-S-S-" _a voice began, but was cut off as Ron turned and grabbed something.

"All right, stop that," he said to the surroundings in general, and Fred and George appeared from behind another rock nearby, both of them grinning from ear to ear.

"These Extendable Mouths of yours are freaky," Pansy told them as they approched the rock she and Ron were sitting on. "Who knows what you'll end up doing with them."

Fred and George gave her identical innocent looks.

"I can't believe you two are actually adults," she said.

"Yes, well, we're in denial as well," Fred commented cheerfully.

They bickered back and forth for a while, until Ginny showed up a while later, Neville in tow.

"Ooh, is that one of those Sea Symphony Shells?" she asked, pointing at the shell that was still lying there on the rock next to Pansy. "Luna told me about those."

She took out her wand and pointed at it like Pansy had before. _"Haffsårkestern,"_ she said.

"What kind of a spell is that?" Ron asked as the melody the waves changed.

The sky was still grey, and around them the gulls were crying. The wind was blowing from the sea and the salty scent it carried with it was strong.

It was probably going to rain later.

And on an otherwise empty beach, the sound of the waves of the Sea Symphony Shell was forming a familiar melody, and next to it, six young witches and wizards were dancing the Macarena.

-

**A/N II, geeky language stuff: **_Haffsårkestern_ was the name of the ship in Tove Jansson's _Muminpappans memoarer._ It's a deliberate misspelling of _havsorkestern,_ which means something like "The Orchestra of the Sea", or "The Sea Symphony".


	30. ONE

**A/N: **This is the last part, just in time for HBP. Thank you all once again so much for your comments, they really do make my day!

_-_

_#30 - kiss_

**ONE**

_- in which we learn about a first kiss - _

_-_

Their first kiss wasn't that spectacular. There were no fireworks and there was no music, and it took place in an empty classroom close to the Slytherin dungeons that had obviously not been cleaned for a long time. It wasn't the kind of kiss you'd find in a romance novel.

Though they didn't know it at the time, both of them had kissed a grand total of two people before this, and neither one of them were exactly sure whether they should be doing this. While they had been stumbling towards _something_ for some while now, they hadn't talked about exactly what this _something_ was, and they were rather unsure whether this was it or if they'd completely misinterpreted everything.

So naturally, what followed was a rather hesitant and slightly awkward kiss.

And by the time they were finally forgetting their nervousness and getting the hang of it, they were, of course, interrupted - by one of the boys in their year from Pansy's house whose name Ron couldn't for the life of him remember. And of course, much embarrassment, confusion and misunderstandings of every kind followed.

At least it hadn't been boring, they agreed later.

Not at all that bad for a first kiss after all, really, all in all.


End file.
